Five New & Hilarious Irish Jokes, Laughter Guaranteed

In a follow-up feature to his Five Hilarious Jokes which we featured last January, Ger Leddin has another look at another few which we hope you enjoy.

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it’s the same with Irish jokes; sometimes Paddy comes out the winner some times he is the butt of the joke.

But Shur, who cares? It’s all for the craic.

1. Paddy Goes To The Doctor

Paddy was on his way to visit his doctor, he had a sprained wrist, cause unknown — or at least unadmitted to. Paddy was that kind of Irish middle-aged bachelor.

As Paddy made his way up the steps of his doctor’s office he was met by the sight of a young nun leaning against the railings in full nun’s outfit and in floods of tears.

She was literally bawling her eyes out and shaking uncontrollably.

“Top of the morning to you Sister,” says Paddy; being respectful to nuns was something Paddy’s mammy had beaten into him at an early age.

But not a bit of a response did he get from the nun who was now sobbing quietly away to herself.

As luck would have it Paddy was next in to see the doctor.

“Be Jaysus Doc,” says Paddy, “what’s the story with the poor misfortunate nun outside? Jaysus she’s in bits, so she is.”

“Ah Shur, I had to tell her she is pregnant,” says the doctor.

“And is she?” Asks Paddy.

“Ah Jaysus no,” replies the doc…..” but feck-it, it sure cured her hiccups.”

2. Collins and the Brit

Way back in 1921 after a long, bloody and bitter Irish War for Independence the Brits eventually decide to pitch tent and leave Ireland. Well, most of it!

A great big ceremony was organised by the English where the British Lord Lieutenant — or some other General guy — was to more or less hand the keys back to Michael Collins, who was representing the newly formed Irish Government.

Collins, of course, being Collins — a cute Cork Hoor — arrived late and rolled into the castle with a pint or two inside him.

“You’re Late General Collins.” says the Brit.

Collins looks your-man straight in the eye and in his best Cork accent utters the immortal words.

“Ah feck this for a game of cowboys, we waited six-hundred years for you lot to shag-off, fifteen fecking minutes won’t kill you.”

3. Paddy and the Guard

Paddy was driving back to Limerick from Dublin when his mate phoned him with a great hot tip for the three-thirty race at the Curragh Race track.

At this stage, Paddy was stuck in traffic on the Long Mile Road but he reckoned that with a bit of luck he could just make it to the track in time to place a bet.

Eventually, the tail-back cleared at Paddy put the peddle to the metal and was barrelling down the motorway toward the Curragh — he even reckoned he had a few minutes to spare.

But as luck would have it the long arm of the law with a flashing blue-light pulled him over.

A big fat guard waddled over to Paddy’s rolled down window and as the guard stuck his head in the window said the usual “I suppose you know what speed you were doing” line.

“Yeah Guard,” says Paddy. “I’m sorry about that but to be honest I’m trying to make it to the race track — which at this stage was only a mile up the road — you see I have a great tip for the three-thirty and if you just give me the speeding ticket I still might make it.”

Paddy was hoping that the guard might do him a favour and write up the ticket fairly sharpish.

But Paddy was out of luck. You see, this guard was a mean hoor…and deliberately delayed Paddy as much as possible, checking tyres, insurance, licence, tax and every fecking light on the car.

As Paddy’s dashboard clock ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy could actually hear the public address system on the racecourse belt out the “and they’re off,” and he knew he missed his chance of winning a few extra and well-needed bob.

At this stage, a well and truly annoyed Paddy calls the cop over and says, “Jaysus Guard, I’m sorry I have a confession to make — you see, I’m afraid I told you a bit of a white lie. Actually, I wasn’t on my way to the races at all, at all. I’m actually on my way to a donkey’s wake.”

“A donkey’s wake” repeats the cop “and what in the world is that?”

 “Well,” say’s Paddy I’m glad you asked me that. “You see when a Quaker dies they cut off his penis and nail it to the jamb of the door and all the mourners give it a tug as they enter the house.”

“Be Jaysus” says the cop “and what they do with it then?” he asks.

“Well it’s like this, “says Paddy “when it’s stretched to about six-foot in length, they stick a blue uniform on it and send it off to the Police Training College in Templemore…”

4. Paddy and The Rich Yank

Paddy is sitting quietly at the bar of his local pub when in swaggers a typical loud-mouthed Texan tourist.

The pub is half full of the usual crowd of regulars, all minding their own business or talking quietly in pairs.

“I’ve heard you Irish think you’re great drinkers” shouts the Yank. “I’ll bet any man in the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back to back and all down in one swallow.”

A hush descends over the bar but nobody takes the Yank up on his offer.

Paddy sips and finishes his pint, then silently stands up, walks to the door, opens it and leaves.

Half an hour later Paddy returns, re-enters the bar, walks up to the Yank and asks “is your bet still on?”

“Sure is Sir, it’s five-hundred dollars if you can swallow ten-pints of Guinness all in one go, one after the other — straight down the hatch” answers the Yank.

“Right so,” says Paddy “I’ll give it a try.

Paddy stands at the bar and takes a few deep breaths as the barman lines up ten creamy pints all in a row.

Paddy downs the first one in one long swallow then the second and the third and continues until within a minute all ten glasses stood empty and drained.

“Well blow me down,” says the Yank as he hands over five crisp American one-hundred dollar bills into Paddy’s outstretched hands.

Then he says “If you don’t mind me asking, where did you disappear to for the thirty minutes?”

“Well, Sir ’tis like this. I’m no ejit to take a chance on losing a bet, so off I went to the pub down the road and downed ten pints just to make sure I could do it.  “

5. The Attack on Murphy

Murphy goes into his local bar.

“Jaysus Murphy! What happend to your head?” Asks the barman, referring to the fact that both Murphy’s eyes were swollen shut, and his nose was broken, additionally, he was missing a few of his front teeth, in other words, he looked a right mess.

“I as in a bit of a scrap with John Joe O’Reilly,” answers Murphy “he fecking well attacked me, he did surely.”

“Didn’t you try to defend yourself at all?” asks the barman.

“No,” says Murphy, then continues, “He snuck up on me a hit me a slap with this big shovel he had in his hands. Took me by complete surprise he did, the little fecker.”

Did you not have anything in your hands to hit him back with?” The barman asks incredulously.

“No,” answers Murphy. “All I had in me hand was his wife’s left boob and while it’s lovely to fondle, it’s feck-all use as a bloody weapon.”

Well there you have it, another five good Irish jokes, enjoy.